On my way home i need to take a massive dump and couldn't wait.
So they call this "a walk of shame" but fuck that...this walk is fantastic. What kind of debbie downer came up with that name?
The last two calls in my phone are dominos and 911. I'm not sure how my night went.
I have this strange craving to see a really fat person go down a slipnslide
I mean I had a leg brace. It would have been irresponsible for me to be on top.
Will do. If it all falls thru I'm just gonna set up a sprinkler in my back yard and run thru it while taking jello shots. Perfect alternative to my 29th bday.
Are you drunk? Because I am and if you're not, this may be very awkward in the morning
Thats for me to know and you to find out.
Please tell me you werent the one who replaced every beer bottle in my fridge with a picture of a baby kitten.
... and if i was..
Fuck. You.
I can't be here...my therapist just watched me take tequila shots
How bad would it be if I wore out the dress we got peed on in. You're the only one who knows.
What do I do when my mom and I both awkwardly spot the Rocky Horror parody porn sitting on the coffee table? Leave it or try to move it?
I just busted my piggy bank to afford McDonald's. This is my personal cry for help.
Riddle me this: How does one check in at the Marriott, but wake up at the W?
You don't get to call me bro after you've had your dick in me.
Your english degree would kill itself if it could read that text.
maybe a couloe typos.. noooooooooo big deal
Randomize
