I'm lit.While shaving my legs I pretended the razor was a tractor cutting down corn. Noises included.
Fuck you, jack daniels. I feel like satan laid an egg in my brain.
Just got assigned a beer bong as hw in fluids to demonstrate the inverse of pascals principle. I love this prof
You had two tasks: \n1) put on a condom \n2) text me so I don't walk in on you \nIt really isn't that hard
Yea I almost drowned giving a BJ in the shower once
We're about to play the try not to vom at the president's house game...
Just got a message from a drag queen on okcupid. I cant even catfish successfully.
And now whenever I see a documentary about dolphins, I think about sex, which is super weird
How does it feel to date your dad?
Went and sat in the wrong fucking class for 30 mins, answering questions and shit. What ever this is i will be on it for the rest of the semester.
If I die at work, I want you to have my mustache collection
I just remembered that I insisted everyone watch porn together last night.
You sat down in the middle of the road and started crying. We told you "Get your ass up or we're leaving you here." You replied "They'll findddd meeeeee" and ran after us.
Well obviously we have a ghost in the house who’s taking showers in your bathroom and doing our cocaine.
Turns out your granddad is cooler than you. We're taking him on our New year's eve pub crawl instead. Sorry.
Randomize