I wish life was like dora the explorer where dancing pigs appear out of nowhere to solve your problems for you
i just lost my virginity over my 3 hour lunch break..
u hav a 3 hour lunch break?!
i like how the length of my lunch break is the thing that phases u
One of my students just said I have "big mommy parts". Even third graders know that my tits are too big. God I love em.
my mom just found my flavored lube in the basement. she gave me a lecture about how "giving head is degrading" omg i feel sooooo bad for my dad
So I realized I was officially over him when I was getting a lap dance on the keg bus at 3am from his old boss and I was double fisting:)
You're either a hooker or Beyonce. Beyonce is abnormally good at doing everything in heels
But think about it. I could put her gold medal around my penis
I honestly feel really bad for any girl with a period that lasts more than a day
Everything about that text makes me want to throttle you and cry
God I miss you. I want to fuck your face... Then do all the girly cuddly shit too.
It's called the dick transitive property. It states if you touch a person whilst they touch a dick, you are also touching said dick.
We literally solved our fight using cat pictures on Instagram. True love.
So it's my mom's birthday and I wanted to be super cheap and just walk up to her and say "I got you the greatest gift ever, mom! I'm actually sober right now!".
Accidentally made a bowl of macaroni and cheese with a bottle of vodka. It's not that bad
THERE'S MORE TO LIFE THAN JUST MISSIONARY
I just found an entire bag of French fries under the seat of my car labeled "For emergency use only" drunk me is always planning ahead.
Randomize
