i miss vodka and anonymity. college is so rich in both. in college we are a many armed creature, lubricated with beer and sex.
She said you were bangin on the counters of McDonalds singing "These Eyes" at 4am
just witnessed some guy trade his friend $5 and a condom for his keys.
Some creeps at the festival started talking to me, so I told them I was going change my tampon. Worked like a charm.
We eventually get in a cab (after david tried to hail multiple regular cars and some sort of shuttle bus)
Either there is a god and he hates masturbation, or one of my roommates stole my vibrator while I was in the shower.
whatever. i almost had sex in a car with someone passed out in the back seat. phone's not my biggest worry.
She was puking in a plastic bag while cleaning where she puked on the floor. She knows how to multitask.
i was thinking shit as she was saying it. it was a sarcasm time loop
But I've also made plans to crash a black tie event wearing a storm trooper helmet. I think I've found the love of my life..
Dude, tumbleweeds have been rolling through my bed lately. This is my dryest dry spell since I was married.
You know it's bad when I'm eating a cold chicken breast alone in bed 😕
Pretty good. Thinking about getting day drunk and filling out job applications so I don't hate myself as much
So you're not opposed to us ever having sex again? Because it just seems like such a waste to let a penis like yours go.
The same idiot-bubble, now just bigger and louder.
Randomize
