i think my tv is drunk
apparently i'm not the first person wake up and realize she's ugly cuz i tore this house apart and there is no sign of my clothes
Dude she let me cum on her face
You have the wrong number I'm the she who let you cum on her face unless some other girl has let you since this morning
We followed the campus tour around in a golf cart drinking PBR and blasting "Sexual Healing."
Saw my boss's vagina at that party. Hung over at work has never been more acceptable
Definitely just put my car on cruise control so I could stick my head out of the sunroof while driving to taco bell.
I tried giving you a bj last night and all you could manage was "Haha that tickles" and "in the morning"
Little boy scout stared at me with judgmental looks while I bought 3 bottles of liquor but refused to buy popcorn from him
I ate 12 cupcakes in less than 24 hours, so no judgement here.
She's crying about either her ex boyfriend, her one night stand, or her own puke. None of those is worth the tears.
Tequila Tuesday.. tonight is the night I defeat the liquor.
I have class at 8:30 and I am not bailing you out of the drunk tank again.
Tomorrow's Mother's Day and the only thing I can afford is beer and the McDonalds dollar menu. Do you think a Budweiser and a Big Mac says thank you for me fucking up your life since 1990?
We were fucking in the back of my truck and no joke a skunk came up and sprayed us. How am I supposed to explain this to my parents
He says the sweetest things but also that he wants to choke me when we fuck so it's kinda perfect.
How is it that on the one day I'm just moving my car at 6:30 I get the walk of shame looks but when I come home at 9 am in a torn dress holding heels old ladies smile at me?
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