I hope you're ready because I look like an elf on crack had a baby in the medieval era and that baby grew up to be a whore
I'm going to have to call in sick tomorrow. After this weekend, there's no way I can handle hearing the accountants talk about double entry without puking.
I just found out that my father was a Human condom for halloween when I was 4. And to think I used to wonder where my sense of humor came from.
according to the random from alabama i slept with last night i kept saying "poor lil tink tink" over and over in my sleep
Also, hurry up because I don't like drinking alone. I'm still doing it, but I don't like it.
i just feel like the statute of limitations for admitting i plowed through her car last night was up a couple hours ago
I'be color coordinated the clothes in my closet and my underwear drawer. I'm like an advertisement for house arrest. Help.
I'm looking for mother nature. And when I find her, I'm looking her right in the eyes and telling her to fuck off.
I am so excited I do not know how I will sleep.
It's like the Christmas morning of dicks
The beer bottle was sticking out of your zipper and you shook it onto unsuspecting patrons
I get so many dick pics from him...He has an unhealthy obsession with his own penis...
Well my normal tinder strategy of "Will I have sex with her when I'm sober" has been paying off
Lol, yeah it'll be fun,but will it be cereal and dick pics fun?
Oh yeah I meant to tell you the Tomb Raider looking girl so crop dusted me on the stairway
Always great to be boarding a plane when you realize that what you thought was gas is actually very untrustworthy
Randomize
