I wonder how many times I can be hungover in one day
There are huge fuckin pieces of palm tree in the road. what a road hazard. as i sit here and text you as i swerve to miss them
i left with the words "thank you for undersanding my sluttiness"
She just tagged pictures of you wrapped in the "above the influence banner" like a toga.
Her inability to understand the word "moderation" is the achille's heel of an otherwise perfect human
You know why nobody comes up with Sober October? Other than it's Oktoberfest? Because Sober October doesn't benefit anyone, just like your judgment isn't benefiting me. I'll talk to you in November. Unless you make up another alcoholless month.
Its hard to hear the music in here over his nasal whistle. And his breath smells like old milk. I think I need more vodka, and he better be buying. You owe me.
High enough to ask the woman at best buy if she ever feels like she's swimming. and telling the man outside that he smells like happy juice.
On Friday, can we drink like its Civil Wars times and the doctor's coming to saw off our gangreen infected legs?
How does one hint at their mentee that they used to casually fuck his brother
He showed me his scar from his appendix surgery. It was educational and fun....
My condom drawer is now filled with W-2s and tax return documents. Is this adulting?
That's right. I just LL Cool J'ed you up in this bitch. Zero fucks.
I guess "hi, I know your mom, she taught me in high school" is an effective pickup line
What? I'll do just about anything if you give me a sticker.
Randomize
