a chick just tried to cover her fart by sneezing. it didn't work
Girl just texted me a pic of her boobs with the caption "don't think I'm a whore"
I'm gonna get drunk and through up on the first happy couple I see.
Just tried to fight the dj at cowboys because he would'nt play freebird. Pick me up now.
Long labias. Talking about. Too drunk to explain. Tomorrow.
Yeah. I've decided no relationship can survive me shoving my boobs in the guys face
We're you guys there last night when everyone started chanting "Nacho Steph"? Someone picked me up, carried me to the nacho cheese and made me do a nacho cheese stand.
I just came inside of a Gatorade bottle. That hungover.
When you and Blake get an apartment I want you to buy this Costco couch I'm currently passing out on.
I mean metaphorically speaking, maybe we've all fucked on top of a frat house at some point in our lives
my brother has friends over and I can hear one of them screaming from the basement "BREATHE. FILL YOUR LUNGS. LIVE YOUR LIFE." and it sounds like he's doing some motivational speaking down there but that's actually just how he encourages ppl to take bong hits
I'VE LOST MY DIGNITY, MY PRIDE, AND EVEN MY BOOTY CALL. HAPPY THANKSGIVING.
After we'd both come, we started writing a book about dragons. Woke up this morning to a full English breakfast. Can't thank you enough for introducing us
I just dropped a chicken nugget on the floor and seriously prayed that it would be ok....I think this job is making me crazy.
Ugh. It's days like these that make me wish my bad habits would kill me faster
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