Fuck U Mike is a golden god.
Mike give steph back her phone.
Not me. I think "beastiality" sounds pretty classy.
I'm sitting in the drive through at Mcdonalds right now watching the workers pressure wash the vomit I left from last night.
CONGRATS VODKA, YOU WON RHIS TIME..
Wasn't a date. In exchange for artichoke dip I received a bj. And sex. It was a transaction.
I scrubbed the bathroom, smoked a bowl, and gave myself 3 orgasms. If the world ends today, I feel accomplished.
Strip beer pong in the front yard? Of course the cops showed up
I think if it were a part of everyone's daily routine, the world would be happier. International Finger Yourself While Bathing Day.
On a side note...my DUI lawyer just snapchatted me. This is the exact moment in time when I realized my like IS a joke.
When are you going to accept the fact he is gay?
Come on... He's just practicing.
Ok. That's acceptable.
It has gotten to a point where I just want to sit on his face. Less butterflies, more orgasms.
He's the only guy without a tacky accent I've seen in this southern dump in 6 months. Bangage was inevitable.
You're such a Yankee.
My bank account got hacked so he showed up with a 6 pack wearing a superman cape to cheer me up and you question why I love him?
Girl. There is no more toilet paper. You should have seen the twerking I just did to shake the pee off.
I can’t shake the image of her gigantic black unibrow. It’s like I got a blowie from Eugene Levy
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