accomplished twins. life is a go
but the lizard people decide everything anyway
I just woke up to my FedEx of contacts I've been waiting for for about a week and my hungover ass went to the bathroom and used beer instead of contact solution.
i thought i was the drunkest one there til some girl puked in the tip jar.
how do I tell him nicely and in french that we can't have sex anymore because his huge penis will ruin me for other french men?
double majoring has taught me only that psych majors are sluttier than govt majors
The used rubbers I threw behind her bed all semester must have landed on the baseboard heater. They went up in smoke when she turned on the heat last night.
And I don't know what it is about weed making me want every episode of the real housewives of everywhere
I swear to god, if you fuck the hot one you're paying me back for the shot I just bought her
He picked up a chick with a line about the price of used cars in Sri Lanka and developing economies. Step it up.
Why is there uncooked bacon under my bed?
You insisted on taking it to bed with you. You grabbed it out of the fridge while mumbling "If I leave this out, you fuckers are just going to ruin it."
Bar selfie Saturday turned into bar nudie Saturday in a hurry. I need to delete my snapchat...
I know, it's just the worst. Also, security almost took the burrito I brought for lunch. I thought I was going to have to pull a Liz Lemon and eat the whole thing before I could go through.
I'm convinced he's the patron saint of oral sex
Maybe you should stop dating for awhile if the chicks aren't working out. Reacquaint yourself with your hand or something.
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