Hotel room at 3 am. She's 42. Stockings and heels. All because I opened with a joke about cougar hunting. We'll high-five later.
I just saw a homeless guy on rollerblades; I don't think I've ever felt sorrier for someone in my life.
We saw a kid playing in poison ivy. We walked away, he'll learn his lesson.
The fact that you think you peed off a roof shows you shouldn't have been on a roof.
I ended up naked in a pond with you-know-who and your saying your a good babysitter? Dick.
The only reason we got away with streaking last time was cuz we had those miner hats
What's the most polite way to say "Congrats on losing weight, but no one is happy your boobs got smaller."
mate, my mother watched me threw up out of my nose wearing only a g-string.
Well. I went to a frat party where they mixed gin and Mountain Dew. My kingdom for some olives and vermouth.
Dude random question. Where you with me when the vulture got electrocuted from the power lines and fell on the sidewalk in front of us?
He texts me "what are you wearing" in the middle of the workday, so naturally I assume he's kidding and respond "the blood of my enemies" #foreveralone
I need to see you idiots before I go back to school. But we shouldn't snort Crown Royal this time.
At least I know that however bad my life gets and how low I can feel I'll never feel shitting in a red robin parking lot low
How does one tell their boyfriend they're pregnant with someone else's kid??
so after 3 days of looking i found the keg...looks like somebody tried burying behind the garage
Randomize
