she's about as cool as a sandpaper handjob.
in retrospect, sexting while high was a mistake - I meant to say "I'll fuck you stupid, baby" but of course I said "I'll fuck your stupid baby"
she was drooling, sharted in her sleep, rolled over stuck her hand under the covers pulled it back out, smelled it and moaned and rolled back over. i almost added puke to the disgusting bodily fluid category.
Apparently they want to see what I've been working on for the last three months. Can I just hand them a bunch of empty fifths?
Measuring your booze intake in glasses is like measuring Rosie O'Donnell's weight in ounces.
Even water is tasting like jack daniels
Whoa. I woke up to 10 new text messages. All about bacon.
a small fire erupted but we put it out with a can of beer so everything's fine
Atty had lunch with DA and confirmed I am not the target of the investigation. No word on anything else
It's pitch dark except for the glow sticks, someone turned the heat up as high as it would go and the bathroom is flooded. Also think I just stepped on someone's face.
well, obviously he didn't fuck me for my strong moral fiber.
Nothing says happy gameday like waking up in only an ACC Championship shirt in the qb's bed with a different football player
He made me put my cow print vest and my cowboy hat from my ' sheriff woody' costume and said I'll show you a woody. What I charmer huh!? I love make up sex
Whatcha doing tonight? Reply TURNUP if you are drinking, or STOP to cancel messages
Being severely attracted to someone you find is your cousin just made my list of top 10 worst feelings
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