saw you had $9 in your checking acct, left $20 on your dresser so you won't be a whore this weekend
I miss having pregnancy scares ....at least i knew i was having a good time
apparently "my dealer got arrested" is not an acceptable answer when mom asks "What happened? You look sad today"
Who ate shrimp cocktail in my bathroom last night?
I wouldn't have puked last night if I didn't inhale straight pepper from you shattering the pepper shaker on the wall.
he asked me to "shake his dick" when he introduced himself, playing naked football with you in our living room. $100 says you two get married one day.
you should have walked with me to my car. you just missed a girl rip off her bra and throw it into a dumpster and scream mardi gras
He SHOWED UP to the party wearing one shoe and a dinosaur hat. He kept lifting up his shirt and asking people to bite his nipple.
if you fuck our toilet off the wall again, i'm going to be so mad.
I can't believe he just friend zoned me like that.
Dude, you're not even gay.
Sup man, did you have a 3way this month if so it would be 3 for 3 for the house
The NSA quit spying on phones. I'm sending you SO MANY dick pics.
Um, It's tempting but I'm not into coke or farmers.
He gets married Father's Day weekend and I just found out I'm pregnant. What do I do?
Does the girl you just banged want anything from Taco Bell?
Randomize
