Ate lunch. Still drunk. Keep forgetting I'm in Texas but then I look around at the people and remember.
I got an 8 ball and a free entrance pass to the strip club, if i dont get laid tonight I never will.
I made out with all three roommates...I didnt realize that was actually an awkward situation.
Her stripper name is Geico. I'm not drunk or creative enough to make this up.
Just had to buy plan b w/ my robotic baby from family living.. Awkward.
I'm just learned what a rim job is, I feel like crying
Just ate a chocolate chip cookie upside down. This is what having a degree does for you.
no, but he did start crying. who the fuck is 30, covered in tattoos and crys about an ex? get your shit together, man.
My new years resolution is going to be to stop drunk snapchatting old hook ups asking them when we're going to bang again
I also farted in bed this morning and said, "I don't even care. My body deserves that."
I honestly just wanna put my face in her tits and disappear from this plane of existence
i dont think sending her flowers will make her forgive you running over her foot.
You kissed my hand and then put a Taco in it. Why WOUDNT I leave my husband?
Do you knowhow much it sucks to puke in an automatic toilet? Not fun.
Ew.
It takes talent let's just say that
I'm the only person I know that carries solo cups, shot glasses, ping pong balls, two decks of cards, and a lawn chair in his trunk. I'm ready to turn anything, anywhere into a party.
Randomize
