I just egged your windshield and it froze on contact. Have fun with that.
I'm trapped in whichever ring of hell is populated by inbred yokels and type 2 diabetes.
Just heard the new 'We are the world' ... Can I get my 10 bucks for Haiti back?
Just farted cum and thought I shit myself. Crisis averted tho
We had a race to see who could chug their vodka tonic faster. College doesn't seem to be working for me... I'm getting exponentially dumber
Me+graduation party+hammered drunk+polish horseshoes in the dark= black eye, crying, pissed, passed out in my dress... How was your weekend?
The bartender from Thursday remembered me... And gave me a FLAMING BUCKET of alcohol.
They installed a lotion dispenser in the bathroom at work... its like they want me to masturbate on the clock...
And then, I saw the prophecy come to fruition. It was the Dick of Destiny.
We just took back to back grav bong hits and are playing battleship. She guessed Z - 12 so weve switched board games.
I'm not gonna lie. The only reason I haven't drank a whole bottle of crown tonight is because we only had 3/4 of a bottle left.
Dave called me blind fucking drunk thinking he was going to die from drinking with drake bell(wtf?) saying "it's all that drake motherfucker's fault" and later proceeded to tell me "you are my twitter"
Soo are you just gonna poop in my bathtub and not talk to me anymore...?
I still don’t believe you, the dog DID NOT tear down the shower curtain and shit on the floor.. we found you in the fetal position in the bathroom holding your tequila gun. It was you!
R.I.P my virginity. TOD 12:37pm
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