Jeremys mom is here. I gave her mad jello shots and now were griding. ima give it to her: ultimate payback for him fucking my gf.
Just passed a Taco Bell Taco Supreme, still in its wrapper, laying in the grass. I'd like a moment of silence.
May it rest in peace.
I don't remember her name, all I remember is trying to suck the wedding ring off her finger.
I got a job at a micro-brewery. Now who made the bigger mistake, them or me?
I'm either watching Fifth Element or Hotel Rwanda. There's black people and white people and high life tall boy 18 packs are $11.99 so I could be watching my own hand. I have no idea.
the man who designed bathrooms to have toilets within easy puking distance from the shower is my hero
Just fell asleep during a bikini wax. Thank god for day drinking.
Whoever was the last to get in from the chinese firedrill had to pay the dealer.
I feel like I got run over by a bus full of inebriated Scotsmen on the way to a soccer riot.
Closed my eyes in the shower and got really dizzy. Not sure if neurological or result of 4 day vodka binge. Send help.
I never thought I would have to arrest my own parents on a sunday night
My liver is preforming stress tests.
I'm just imagining Oprah like "you're popping a boner, and you're popping a boner...EVERYONE IS POPPING A BONER"
When you wake up and wonder why your bleeding and it feels like you jumped into a ceiling fan, dont worry. Ill explain it all when I wake up.
She looked like a cross between Jesus and John Lennon. So I fucked her. I feel majestic and powerful.
Randomize
