Heyy I kind of wanted to apologize and excuse myself for last night. I feel like that was a little much. I just met you. That's why I don't like tequila. Haha
You went to the wrong car, tried to open the locked door, and started crying because you thought we were playing a mean trick. Then the owner came...
Coming down off exstacy at a church event. Resisting the urge to dance to the church hymns.
you spent 5 minutes trying to open an empty PBR and kept saying "don't worry i'll get it i've been working out"
Im covered in vodka and melted gummys. Fuck summer.
Who is he, asking me if im dtf without a question mark
...
No no no...you park the car, stick your tongue down his throat, slip your number in his pocket, invite him to insomnia, and THEN LEAVE. You go from awkward to epic in a matter of seconds.
My boobs are feeling quite sensitive so I told them, " you is smart, you is kind, you is important" that should do the trick.
I don't know when it is this year, but if I ever text you an illegible text that also happens to contain sharks, Shark Week started.
He yearns for your heart.
He needs to stop being a pussy about it.
this is the first time in over a year I had a pregnancy scare and actually would have known who the father was. I guess this is what adulthood feels like.
i have achieved a new state of being which requires no food or water but is sustained only by coffee and pure, unrelenting rage
You know your horny when you have a sex dream about Ace Ventura, if your wondering he's awful
Had to take him to the ER for not only alcohol poisoning but for stepping on a firecracker. Happy 4th holy fuck
Heard I spat fire in your face last night. Wish I could say that I'm sorry
House vote, we're revoking your 151 privileges
I'm sorry.
Randomize
