god I wish I could record you sometimes, you're so neurotic
And then I watched some old guy get arrested for meeting some other old guy for a blow job. It was epic.
you ate skittles off the table like a hungry hungry hippo. it was awesome.
Every now and then I'll talk to a creeper for an extended amount of time. Randy, for instance, funded our entire night of horrible decisions.
Just thought you should know in my puerto rico drunkenness yesterday I signed my dogs name on the bar tab. cruise = success
It's official, my little sister has hooked up with more girls than I have.
We'll both be dead in approximately 72-96 hours, with you bringing your liver out of retirement again, Favre.
You made me wash my hair in the kitchen sink while eating bay leaves
Look dude I'm sorry I used your bong to snorkel in my bathtub last night
I knew it was gonna be a rough night when the guys next to us at Relay for Life started shot gunning beers and yelling "This ones for all the hot chicks that went bald because of cancer". It kinda went downhill from there....
This must be what defeat feels like to Tom Brady today. I bet he wishes he could barf up all of his bad decisions from yesterday, too.
We bought only tequila and Twister. And you're STILL surprised you got pregnant?
We're gonna be late. Scott went too far predrinking amd tried pierce his own lip with a poptab. Save me a beer, i'm gonna need it.
I wore sunglasses to take a shower. I might be hungover.
Welp. It's confirmed. There is literally no lube on this entire island. Fuck me. More accurately, don't fuck me.
Randomize
