grinding to god bless the USA? really?
shut up
it never fails, everytime he manages to fuck my earrings out of my ears.
my coworker just texted me asking if i remember pissing in the mop bucket at the gas station
The bank teller laughed at me....I'm apparently that fucking hungover looking
All I wanted was my $85. Judgement free. But nooooo
No need to call an exterminator, the ants overdosed on the leftover lines on the counter.
Fire alarms went off at reception of gay wedding im at. We all had to evacuate until FD got here. Then...ill just text the photos.
When I was leaving this morning he gave me some candy off his floor to prove he was a nice guy... He definitely knows the way to my heart. Best one night stand ever
I just slammed another champagne, swaggered over to her, pointed across the room at the 20 y/o lacrosse player and whispered loudly, "I brought that one for YOU." I'm getting a raise.
The yoga party turned into an underwear party because we are all incompetent when it comes to tying bed sheets.
This has been a Party Success Story
I remember him going "OH SHIT" when he saw you straddling me on the table. And it was like the best feeling ever.
So this bar tattoo not looking that great now
We just stood there eating chocolate chip pancakes, watching you sleep on the bathroom floor.
Dude, please tell me you know why there's a naked chick asleep outside my room.
Between fucking and sleeping I woke up missing four out of five of the earrings I was wearing. It's like a star rating system. I had to give him props.
Someone's gotta tell him drunk sex comes before dating
Randomize
