this girl im hooking up with thought my ring was a purity ring... apparently im taking it too slow
I bought the tickets, he brought the weed. thanks to you, we had to roll a joint out of my bible paper.
so he reminded me it was our 9 month anniversary and then said "we could've had a baby by now"
Had to use Google translator to be able to tell the cleaning lady not to throw away the condoms we have strategically placed throughout the house.
why did I try to FaceTime with 311 last night?
Do what your heart wants. . .
My heart wants to rip his balls off and tie therm to his head using his penis
youre always welcome to strip dance on tables with me Mag. what are friends for.
If I'm going to start compromising my butthole it's going to be for much better drugs than a ventolin
Winning the lottery was the best thing that ever happened to my penis.
Greatest pickup line ever: "We are out celebrating winning the lottery."
No fucking judgements. You know me. Chinese food vent sessions are safe places.
Got it in all night, now at a bar at 730 am and we are the only two people here. Somewhere my mid twenties father is applauding me.
I "liked" his changed relationship status just to show him I'm ok with the fact he found someone not as pretty as me
YOU LEFT MY FUCKING BRA OUTSIDE OF YOUR HOUSE AND NEVER TEXTED ME.
I just licked a piece of cheese off my phone screen if that makes you feel any better
Why were you naked on your bathroom floor?
It was a "get entirely naked to take a shit" kind of blackout I think.
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