I'll let you put expensive food in me, but really, not much else.
You were petting your shoe and saying this makes me really happy
I feel like college is just one giant drunken trip to Taco Bell
I had to take the fire extinguisher from him. He was just sitting on the floor petting it.
Im sorry for drunkenly throwing your phone into the ocean. At the time it seemed like a good way for you not to text him
I puked on myself in front of a customer. all. over. myself. thanks Saturday nights
Well... When your girlfriend fucks your sister, the 2 week courtesy window goes out the door.
They tried to convince me I broke Alex's nose. Also they stranded me on the roof.
That's what they get for locking a drunk laxer in Mitch's car.
Some dudes just stopped and stared at me peeing in the street for like 5mins, and I yelled HEY. HEY. WANT ME TO SHIT IN YOUR MOUTH? I'LL SHIT ON YOUR CHEST FOR FIVE DOLLARS, PAPI
this is why i love drunk you
YOU JUST GOT OUT OF THE HOSPITAL AND YOU'RE ALREADY DRINKING?!
We were 69ing, but at an angle so we could both still watch Wall-E
That's when I realized I was probably naked in the wrong bed
I texted him "my vagina is pounding for you"
I know, you made me proof read it.
im having flashbacks to my time in a waffle cult composed of 9 to 14 year olds
He called my IUD an IED, and said that’s why I had bomb pussy.... I didn’t correct him
Randomize
