Well. Nothing came of that. And to think I manscaped and dusted with gold bond.
I just made this asian woman on the boardwalk that was giving 20 dollar massages upset after I asked her if a happy ending comes with it.
so, i drunkenly called my religious roomie because i was lost and told her if she couldn't come find me, jesus would condemn her to hell for not leading me to the light .. too much?
My dad just knocked on my door and told me that my vibrator was too loud
Haha so I huess that means he's a little over 7. I can use my throat as a ruler!!
One less school supply you need to buy!!
I think that's the first time i've seen 'you look like an ugly version of my ex' work as a pickup line
Oh, and no balcony sex...trust me.
Who the hell poured a whole pouch of Capri Sun down my throat last night?
I can't believe you're asking me to think of a sincere, creative way to apologize to your penis at 2 am.
When I tried to give you a hickey, you karate chopped me in the neck.
Fun fact: My predictive text now prompts "walrus" as the most likely word to follow "intoxicated"...
I just mixed tangerine juice with sauv blanc. on an unrelated note, my episide of intervention is slated to run in April.
Yeah everywhere i go i feel like a 3rd or 5th or (2n+1)th wheel. That's right, i'm a mathematically depressed drunk.
She walked up to me and whispered "I hope you're good at sex" and led me to the beach.
By the way, you're like fucking spiderman. I've never seen someone climb out of a car window that fast and eloquently.
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