An alarm set every 45 minutes saying "FATTY" and one every afternoon saying "CASPER" every day until spring break is a foolproof plan to being bikini ready
Just met a girl...She is complaining why on facebook you can't have more then one "open relationship"
I dont know how i feel about her from a moral standpoint...
I found him crying and drunk, in my closet holding a picture of Tyler Perry. He managed to say"he's just so many people"
My life is a requiem composed in the key of fuck.
you were exchanging tortilla chips with the guy at the next table, telling him your table was given the "big chips" because it was your 21st birthday
he knocked a glass of water onto my bed and then said that he should get to sleep on the dry side because he was "a guest"
I'm not pregnant. Security came before he could.
He should just accept that I want his dick and his friendship. Can't he understand that I don't do emotions?
drunk and crying about Shakespeare- how's your night?
Are u alive? If u are, you deserve an award.
I yelled at the cab driver to slow down because my unborn children live here, and pointed to my uterus. I think my message was lost in translation though because he immediately offered me his card...
I have to choose between charging my phone or my vibrator. This is bullshit.
Dude \nSo embarrassed \nJust sent a snap to my boss john and noticed my vibrator was right beside me
On a scale of 1 to 10 how good of an idea would it be to pregame at the airport right now
Ten
Your mom asked you why you had bite marks all over your arms and you answered her by yelling "I HAD A SIESTA!"
Randomize
