I'm not a real person
I'm sorry, everyone knows that
can i drink enough to forget this semester even happened?
lets be honest. she's not NEARLY as much fun to fb creep since she got out of rehab...
my goal is to masturbate without thinking about my exbf.
I'm pretty sure he told me he was sterile and I told him I was on the pill. The positive pregnancy test I'm holding in my hand right now tells me that at least one of us was lying.
okay, this game isn't funny anymore. tell us where all the forks are.
We have zombies coming, and all you can think about is cock.
Even when you're not here I still manage to get pad thai in my vagina
Eating cold pizza and drinking a beer for breakfast while standing in a hotel window naked is how I say hello September...
He sent me a 7 minute voicemail of him playing wonderwall on the acoustic guitar I'm not even kidding did he seriously think that would work
I hope none of us try to run for public office one day
How do I put this... You're dating Ricky from Trailer Park Boys. Stop eye-fucking him and actually listen to what he says for once. He actually said "I self-learned that myself, basically" while rolling a joint. He's worse than your unskilled magician ex that accidentally cut off three of his own fingers
Sorry. We had to leave because I knocked a guy out for saying "yolo".
skipped tacos for a blowjob. No tacos. No blowjob. More importantly...no tacos. Wtf?
I just called my kid butt plug. Does that make me a bad mommy??
This may be the most diplomatic thing you've ever said
Randomize
