just thought you should know that she got home at about 6am.... totally wasted. she was locked out and when i finally came to the door she was on a patio across the street with some random making hotdogs on somebodys elses bbq.
i didnt mean to paint the dog... it just kinda happened
She stumbled in with some guy, woke me up, introduced him and said "This is my sister. She's a freshman. She probably hates you."
i'm forwarding you the dirty picture of that fat girl that likes me sent . i feel like since youre my best friend you should puke in your mouth too .
She sat on the stairs and yelled sex positions at us. I don't remember if we went along with it but judging by the beer and condoms I'm thinking yes.
So as your former husband, I get to give you away at the wedding right?
Bro I can't jerk it to my phone anymore. I feel Siri staring back, and she's real disappointed.
I passed out and slept in my car. Now I feel like a hungover zoo animal. Look and laugh people, look and laugh.
Apparently "I have the beer shits" isn't the excuse my boss wanted to hear. So sue me
That is was cool to fuck the single mother accross the street until every girl i bring home gets the car keyed.
She shoved a hot dog in my pocket and started grinding on it.
Why do you hate her?
She's dating the best penis that has ever entered my vagina.....
well some coke just fell out of my nose in my partners meeting so i'd say my day's off to a fantastic start
I'm floating on a 30mph cloud right now not giving a fuck
That awkward moment when your drug dealer pulls your boss out of the snow
Randomize
