I got a 69.7 in accounting. I have this whole doing the bare minimum down to a science
I was just walking down the hall and passed a very pregnant girl wearing a shirt that said "blame it on the aaaaaa-alcohol." I can't decide if she's brilliantly witty or just pointing fingers.
bottle of wine in one hand cigar in the other. 5 am. topless on our fire escape. and she cleaned our bathroom... i like his new girlfriend.
Just want you to know I am def drunk enough to burn down your house. Don't worry I checked the stove like 6 times. I love grilled cheese
I'm love that we're talking about a possible 3rd 3some, and that you're going to be a dad.
Is it bad to get into the ocean at night? i always thought sharks hated the smell of vomit after drinking
He whinnies like a horse when he's cumming. I wish I would have known this before we got into a relationship.
you puked on the porch, i can see your jacket on the floor next to your underwear. i know your home, unchain the door, you're the worst roommate ever.
You know you have crossed to the dark side of marriage when a nap is more important than jacking off
We're already drunk. 4 hours to go still. And there's a bear advisory. TOP WEEKEND.
I would sacrifice a finger for two more hours of sleep.
all i've had to eat today is leftover bday cake and a shot of tequila.
welcome to college.
So what did you do since you didn't go out?
...ate chocolate and watched bring it on....it's like I don't even know what it would look like to be straight.
We can only continue to use the "oh what's the difference between circumcised and uncircumcised" for a few more months before people will see through our lies
It's confirmed. I have two dates on Saturday, and they are both named Mike.
Randomize
