You blewit but ill be back in laekciew tonigthso calll mee
even my worst enemy doesn't deserve a bush like that
Killed two birds with one stone: found my wallet and unclogged the toilet.
Note to self: don't jizz on a surface cleaned with Tilex. It WILL turn purple.
I JUST WANT TO WATCH PORN BUT THE CAT IS JUST SITTING HERE LICKING HIS BALLS. I CAN'T DO IT.
She got stuck in the front door. She never told me how or why.
I have got to stop making out with redheads. I need to sign my life over to my dad like Britney Spears.
I'm not drinking cause I'm like 4 vodkas away from a boom box and Peter Gabriel.
He's claiming he can open a beer bottle with anything. He's been trying for a while now with a power rangers action figure and he is just cutting the hell out of his hand. There is blood all over billy
YO CONGRATULATIONS ON YOUR MÉNAGE À TROIS. YOU GO, GLENN COCO
I have found random beers stashed in my purse and microwave... Apparently I thought 2015 was gonna have a beer shortage
He's being awfully beer snobby for a guy who ordered salad
Why do all my exes just become Tom Hanks in Castaway?
That's a fantastic question. And an odd set of criteria to meet if wanting to date you.
I s2g I’m about to get ghosted by a 34 yr old and my Oedipus complex cannot take it
This is getting exciting. I almost wanna turn off all the lights, get some popcorn, and stare at my phone screen to see if she's going to say yes or not
And on a much sadder note, I'm way to drunk for this right now
Randomize
