Hey, go out with us like you promised. You're younger than us and should be able to handle your coke problem with grace.
Being pregnant is so damn inconvenient for my sex life.
and before you know it i was laying next to him at 2 in the morning with penis and sadness on my breath.
I decided to name her "day after thanksgiving" because I am sure I just got someone elses leftovers.
I just found three unopened cans of PBR behind our futon that I think I was saving for winter.
is it bad that i have made the decision to never travel to vienna simply because of that transvestite that won the bachelor?
dont start drinking without me
He panicked, you ducked and I was coming off a 3 day coke binge. It was no one's shining moment.
I really need to find a new way to reward you other than head scratches, nutella and blowjobs.
when I was too drunk to walk on my own two feet, he stole a shopping cart from the grocery store at the corner and proceeded to wheel me back to my apartment.
Then he tucked me in, gave me a goodnight kiss and slept on my sofa. I woke up this morning and he was making waffles.
he is a god among men.
I wanna give a stern lecture to whoever invented pants cause they are hard right now
He put crushed up bacon in the joint and now we're listening to the Matilda soundtrack I have no idea what's going on
Btw: some husbands are not impressed by me trying to snap photos of their wives camel toe.
I deleted my history right in front of my girlfriend w/out her seeing. Let's go skydiving with no parachutes. I can live thru anything.
He asked if I had feelings for him while I was lying naked on the floor vomiting into a trashcan as he held my hair and fed me Pringles.
Was he a virgin!? DID YOU TAKE A GUY'S VIRGINITY ON MY FLOOR!?
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