he broke up with me so i peed in his bed
apparently went to arby's at 2:30am banging on the windows for someone to make me a "beefy"
I just followed up on a noise complaint...only to find 2 girls in bikinis covered in jello with beer cans everywhere. I couldn't bring myself to bust that party.
I want to be a cop.
You tired to make Beefaroni in the Mr. Coffee machine.
This guy just walked into class and first thing he did was grab the garbage can, walk to his desk and say "just in case"
oh good. ive just found out that i went downstairs at 6 am still blacked out and had a 30 minute conversation with my mom about the different ways to feed our dog
She has either a C-Section scar or a bullet wound, I can't quite tell
In her drunkenness, she packed a bag with tequila, two shot glasses, salt, a knife, and two pears. She was prepared but too high to distinguish pears from limes.
VAGINAS ASSEMBLE!
I'm not seeing this movie with you.
I told him if he went to see magic mike with me I'd cover his eyes during the penis parts
There is an alarming amount of urine in here.
I'd go lesbian for $50 and a good phone case.
Btw when I was saying "fuck you" I meant it like "be quiet beautiful princess"
Woke up with 5 texts apologizing from a number I named "guy who elbowed me in face"
The longer the dick, the closer to Jesus when you’re on top.
Randomize
