If a guy called my cleavage "mesmerizing" but is kinda related to me, does it still count?
Dan is more possessive of me than a Michael Jackson is of McCully Caulkin
was*
True, R.I.P.
You should just wear a sign that says "I like cheap Chinese food and anal"
I like taco bell too
so after morning sex, she rolled a joint and turned on sports center
you might have found the rare bro goddess. i thought they were myth
I had a dream that chipotle was out of burritos... Was more like a nightmare.. Gotta go make sure it wasn't real now
I'm sorry I dragged a dildo (on a leash) into your room last night.
Just start grabbing cocks. It can't go wrong! Just say you thought you knew him and wanted to check.
Can we play rock paper scissor shot again? I want to black out in 15 minutes or less...
Can I tell him I got herpes from your bong instead of from that guy who claimed to be an olympic diver?
He told me about how he pissed his pants last weekend like it was a normal part of conversation. Within 10 minutes I was going home with him. I think he put me under some kind of spell.
i'm not sure what happened last night.. i do remember the police calling me to find out where i was because apparently at some point i went missing? don't worry though. they found me
Also this guy in my contact as hairy jerry sent me a pic of him shirtless and said I miss you and I have no idea who he is /when or if I met him but that's not normal?!
Not exactly hook line and sinker right away, but I'll give him a second chance. I should sext him me in my blue shark onesie.
This wine tastes amazing. It's like a fermented hug.
Woke up in a fanny pack with a bag of cocaine on my cheek
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