Walking in to my alcoholic Assessment meeting with a black eye = 40% awkward 60% awesome
Got into the physics lab with my student id, hooked up over break when school was closed. I regret no payments for tuition.
I wish my head, heart, dick, and nose could just agree on something for once
Dude I walked 1.4 miles through the hotel wearing a cowboy hat, pink topped boots, gucci shades, and a scarf and met my parents in the hallway at 7 am how is this not a good start to Vegas?
Did the vodka turn my hair yellow or did something else happen last night?
I put my hydrocodone prescription in my cereal box its like real lucky charms
I need rollerblades now
Rollerblades pick up bitches
Also I owe you 20 bucks, a clean towel and a glass of scotch. I'll even throw in a blow job
Actually, I take that back. You can only have it if I'm allowed to French braid the mullet.
What the hell happened to my hand?
Well, you got in a fight with a cabbie while jaywalking, but we got you to walk away. The problem was 80 blocks away, when you punched a parked taxi for "running you over".
Idk man, we spent like 20 mins arguing about the moral ambiguity of fucking in someone else's car
you must be at least a level 5 friend to unlock my sexual orientation
After we banged he volunteered to ducksit while I went to work. I think that's true love.
I just gargled with NyQuil
He tripped and fell all the way to the ground and then stood right back with out spilling a drop of his 3/4 full glass of rum and coke. It was like watching something from the matrix
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