I felt like helen keller
But she could have totally found that shit before me
I might be drunk enough to make out with you. You don't want to miss this unique opportunity.
I reminded them that I didn't puke and I cleaned yours up! So huh!
Just saw my boss eat a banana in three bites.
Now that I'm the boss, there's nobody to yell at me for smelling like a bar in the morning.
college "breaks" should be renamed "reminder why you left your hell hole of a life in the first place"
I woke up in what appears to be a taco bell graveyard in my bed.
The hardest part of getting a new computer is deliberating whether to start the cycle of porn and viruses all over again.
he wrote me a grocery list while i was passed out. every other item was gin. it went on for 4 pages.
It's surprise blowjob week. You should be excited.
Are we talking about who knows if I'll get naked pictures of you with a broadsword or who knows if I'll be surprised?
Cut a hole in the crotch of my onesie so we could have sex without me getting cold. Best decision of my life.
I'm high and having a granola buffet this has got to be the healthiest I have ever been
This wouldn't be the first time my boss has seen me topless
WHAT IS ALL THIS WATER BOTTLE FLIPPING NONSENSE? WHAT IS LIT?
YOUTHS.
Randomize
