barbara walters just said penis...
just threw the rents a curveball by making french toast and bacon when i came home sober. good luck tellin when im high/drunk now.
felt a little awkward waiting for my McNuggets after vomiting all over the counter
One question: Why is your trash can full of blood and pop-tarts?
im honestly just eating salsa and looking at his penis
Today my mom told me "that's what worries me about you getting blacked out drunk... You don't look pretty"
I just had a contest with the toilet to see who could hold their breath longest.
I won
im dying and naked and this is what youre living with next year.
How did you get him out of the shower last time?
Order Taco Bell and leave a trail of burritos leading to his bed.
SOMEONE WITH THE TWITTER HANDLE "METHLAB" FAVORITED THAT PICTURE
You don't understand. My ass is the color of eggplant.
It's a long story, but I accidentally peed on my dog. I'll tell you about it tomorrow, and we shall never tell my wife.
Have you forgotten that this whole sexy cop role play started with a comment about my mom?
you know you need to get laid when: getting wrestled to the ground in a self-defense class turns you on....p.s. this is a booty call
The cat's telling me to stop taking acid, and to start doing the lords work. I'm almost 99% sure he's talking about the dark lord.
THIS CAT'S GOING TO TURN INTO A SNAKE AND KILL ME! GET OVER HERE NOW! BRING YOUR WAND.
Randomize
