Just lit a joint with steel wool and a 9 volt battery... thank you 3rd grade science class
She stole my hamster. idk who she was, she just walked in and said she knew Keith so she stayed, drank 6 beers, and then stole Charles.
... thanks for letting me perform minor surgery on myself last night.
I figured if you were smart enough to sterilize with vodka, you could handle it.
found a hand written recpiet for 'one doe fawn' on an open crate in my living room need help to find it
where the hell would u of bought a deer
He bought me dinner. He gave me his jacket when I was cold. And then ate me out in the passenger sear of the car.
The only way I can describe the noise he makes when he has an orgasm: dying walrus.
You know what, don't even answer. Just promise me you'll go to the Corner of Shame when you get home.
About to throw up, bathroom line up, Bro sees me. Yells, 'PUKER GET OUT OF WAY' THEY ALL PARTED WAY THREW ME INTO A STALL AND CHEERED AS I THREW UP INTO THE TOILET. we are going back
If you're going to do that you're going to need a pleather suit.
Thanks for fingering me to orgasm during Wu-Tang Clan
I lose my morals, my dignity, and my selfie stick :(
Because I'm currently dying, lacking waffles, and vaguely convinced I'm an eagle
Watching the awkward tinder date at the table next to mine is the most action I've had in months, so there's that.
Um so I might have accidentally on accident maybe blew up the bottom half of your truck...
Ever been to a strip club with one stripper? I have. And she sucked.
Randomize
