Charged a drink to your name last night. Thanks for the whiskey
Stop everything. They have oreo straws to drink milk with and then you eat the straw. I think i just got turned on by a cookie commercial.
Babe! I just farted and I swear to jesus lord christ that it sounded like ur name! Ok, more like Meeatt but still... awesome.
Marriage: a sacred union between one man and one woman, and another woman in Argentina.
just went onto Yahoo and the featured article had a picture of one of the Jonas brothers. last two times the featured article was a celebrity's face the headline was "Michael Jackson is Dead" and "Pitchman Billy Mays is Dead" so naturally I got a little excited. Turns out he's just engaged. Who gives a fuck.
Im so hungover
Come over i have rolls
Ecstasy rolls or Challah rolls?
I feel like i'm in "To Catch a Predator - The Musical"
I lost my grandmas ring. Probably during the handjob.
Get off me. I'm done. I want a cookie.
Ran out of deodorant. Febreze on a paper towel? Kicking college's ass.
Only the sound of Friends and my gulping of wine are masking the sounds of my roommate getting laid
Ate 5 hotdogs today. You need to get me back on my tequila diet cause this shit has to stop!
So! As of five minutes ago I've officially masturbated in every room in my apartment
Dude, I helped you move in yesterday...
I didn’t want a minivan, but I have to admit it’s made it a lot easier to hook up with the dilfs at soccer tournaments
To potentially get me laid, I need you to send me your favorite memes.
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