I now officially know the distance between my two boobs is one twizzler.
He like poked it twice with the tip of his tongue then left it alone. I'm sad.
All my problems are solved. I just got McDonalds and scratch off lottery tickets.
My grandpa just complimented my boobs. Im taking this as a compliment but also brushing it off as alcoholism on his part.
My dad just told the waiter to keep the pitchers coming until someone passes out.
Found a 10-can wizard staff hidden in our closet. Did we cut someone off?
That's yours. We cut you off.
You call it a hangover, I call it a baby squirrel burrowing its way out of my head.
Jelly. This is your "are you still alive" text. Any response will do.
Hey I found a cat!
That was the night, like, my hair caught on fire...
grandma made pot brownies .. oh god bless us everyone
We're now referring to our nightly Skype time as "strokes of genius." Long distance sucks.
Just once I'd like to go out and not have to tell you to put your pants back on.
Dad is celebrating turning 45 by being drunk in a department store before two o'clock.
My disney ticket is covered in lube, do you think they will accept it?
I'm sorry about the fire. I was too fucked up to do science, apparently.
Randomize
