The pickup line "You look exactly like my sister" would only work in Arkansas...SCORE!!
Turns out vomit takes off spray tan.
the fact that you could barely do more than slur incoherent sentences didn't stop you from correcting her grammar
He invited you over for Super Sexy Saturday and Cosmos... I'm pretty sure that's gay
Make the kitchen floor stop waving. Im trying to lay on it
Until this weekend, a man hadn't made me orgasm since the night Obama was elected. Now THAT is change I can believe in.
i showed up sober to class for the first time. my prof said that i was "off my game today". i love philosophy
Everyone here knows my boyfriend as "Half Baked". Life, he's doing it right.
Omg. The news was on TV while I was giving him a bj...when the weatherman said its a beautiful start to December, he groaned and said it sure is.
Robert just walked in drunk, grabbed my Jameson from me, told me to let him do his thing, and spilled it all over the coffee table. Then he told me to grab a funnel because he was going home.
I'm pretty sure I have enough material at this point to start a blog called Guys I've Banged in Pictures together. Why does this keep happening to me!
FYI my mom is sending thanksgiving "samples" of her fancy pot stash for us this weekend. I bring the BEST family leftovers.
Even blacked out me knows not to sleep with socks on
just got a call from a life insurance sellsperson and apparently our xany dealer referenced us. not cool thats breaking the 4th wall
Will you still call me Bond when I'm sober?
Randomize
