My e-date is really photogenic. Real-life not so much
i had a dream last night that you and i organized a foursome. swear to god
ps i'll be in miami in early july. this text has no relation to the last one
..now you can marry chaz and be in cher's family..
yeah n i dont have to pretend to be into chicks to do it now...
why im i the only drunk person in the library?
so hey instead of everyone buying me a birthday present can everyone just pitch in for my abortion?
she's not even a shacker, she never made it inside. she's just a porch girl
he said i took off my shirt and wrote "help HATI" on my tits, and charged people to motorboat me..... i'd like to say i woke up with 267$ in my purse
As payment for all the times you have babysat me while im drunk, im giving you the shorts i stole from the guy i stayed with on friday night. They're clean. Come get em.
Maybe shotgunning 4 days after oral surgery wasn't such a good idea after all...
Shots. Renamed a guy (he looked like a Scott to me), running, bloody Marys, walk to Safeway, donuts, ride home from someones husband, Nurse Jackie. FIN.
What wine did you feed Jack? Might not want to waste the good stuff on kitties. Kitties only get box wine.
i told her i wanted to be the Neil Armstrong of her vagina,
When nipples stop being hilarious I'll stop getting them out in public.
You having your own car has severely reduced the amount of blowjobs I get.
He's here walking around DRUNK AS FUCK in a Kobe Bryant number 8 jersey... Tucked in.
Randomize
