Masterbating to gospel music is like god cheering on your orgasm
sellin beer in gallon jugs is both the best and worst idea ever. Im only gonna have one beer...but its gonna be 128 ounces.
She said i kept moaning her moms name instead of hers
We removed her tutu and her cape, so there's no risk of her strangling herself.
I just found your spare underwear and the half eaten granola bar you left in my purse.
I'm not sure if doing him was such a good idea. Yes the sex was good, but I'm scared I set myself up for failure in 2011 because he's the hottest guy. Ever.
Can I sell my birth control in a yard sale?
I broke stuart's oven and showed up to the party with a squirrel.
My drug dealer is making me hot tea during the snowstorm...I'm a fan.
I ran into my parents house and stole a bottle of vodka last night...Apparently left them a note that read "DRUNK. TOOK VODKA. BRING MORE."
Just set up my first threesome: a rapper and a Marine. Pretty sure at least 80% of girls in America hate me right now.
i got to his house for our first date at the same time as his dealer, so what I'm saying is I'm in love
I am literally watching TV with sunglasses on because the brightness hurts my hangover
I’ve cut back on drinking and now my body can’t fight off all the bad germs without the alcohol. That’s why I keep getting sick
I think I left my bra and my crocs in your room
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