I called Tyra Banks a whore to her face. A sure sign I should go home. Instead I went to the gay bar.
this beer tastes like vomit already
I can't wait until weight watchers comes out with a beer
mom just texted me "hawaii ambien". those are like the two things she talks about to keep me interested in spending time with her.
Yeah i knew he wasn't okay when he told me he was "seeing his vision"
All i want to do is drink fuck and cry... you dont have to cater all three its more like the saddest choose your own adventure ever
stuck in a tree...bring a ladder. also my arm might be broken. no questions are allowed.
"Every minute you spend hanging out with David is a minute you could spend meeting someone new, who isn't a huge douche" - Buddha
Some random at the bar just whispered in my ear that he wants to eat me out while on bath salts....
I think people like me is why alcohol became illegal at one point
You need a sexual gate keeper
Just a heads up... Don't get high and attempt to do your own taxes
It's like my uterus was saying, "hey, you're not pregnant, but imagine if you were!"
Ladies, if you have recieved this text then you are one of the lucky few friends I have decided to make this proposal to. As you all know, my boyfriend's birthday is in two weeks and I have finally decided on the perfect present. Surprise threesome. Now, there can only be one, this isn't an orgy you know, so I will be rating the ideal candidates on bra size and sluttyness. Experiance will count, references if available. Inbox me your credentials so we can come to a...Satisfying agreement.
Hey can you send me a pic of your breast with a peace sign in the photo? I'm trying to win a scavenger hunt contest. Thanks so much
Randomize
