Me liking this guy is the best diet ever. Do I want this cookie...or do I want to get laid.
Talk about awkward... Just went to dinner with my mother and realized I fucked our waiter the night before. She HAD to see the looks he was giving me!
I saved $70 from being to drunk to go out last night so I figured I could buy a new watch.
well, duh, but it's like you don't even want to see me masturbate with a wine bottle.
please bring me a paper towel asap.
I was drinking wine in bed and spilt some on my chest.. And I cautiously guided it into my belly button but now I dont know what to do.
You know its been a rough night when for a large portion of the evening you have accepted your death
Congratulations on your downgrade, shes one hell of a 5
I tried getting kicked out of my favorite bar. No matter what I did, I could do no wrong
I am lonely and hungry. I need a girlfriend, but I'd settle for my mom.
He watches the nature channel every time I am here. It's like a manipulation technique because baby zebras will get me every time.
I am texting my fuck buddy about fucking tonight, while facebook chatting with his wife about food.
like I'd leave you in a situation like that..pfft. what kinda friend do you think I am?
...a stoned one.
that sounds horrible...
what could possibly go wrong attempting to re-enact the dinosaur capture scene from Jurrasic Park... I have the net gun and camcorder you have the dino costume and can run
Come over. Bring drugs. My sister is making cookies. She took Valium. They should be badass cookies.
He broke through his window then signed his name on the biggest peice of glass from it. I think they framed it and named it 'best party ever'
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