he was so hot that i framed the used condom. it's not trash, it's art.
I haven't been this sober since birth.
so i was trying to be sexy and unzip his pants with my teeth. i got my lip caught in the zipper and it bled for a good 15 min, totally a mood killer.
If there's ever a time when I've matured to the point that I don't want to look at camera-phone-titties, go ahead and bury me in a shallow grave by the railroad tracks.
how was your day?
fuck the small talk. are you bringing the liquor tonight or am i?
i just had to google what happens if your dog eats your nuva ring
I just figured out, there are 9 children in this world that I can look at in the face and say "I fucked your mom."
i also took my stockings off in the bathroom and blew my nose with them in the cab ride home. james was appalled
What if I told you that I had 160 ounces of cheap malt liquor in my backpack? Espn films 40 for 40s presents: Edward 40 hands. Our room. 11PM/10 central
Not only have I fallen off the wagon, it ran me over and just kept going...
There was so much jailbait at the festival that there was no other option but to drink my morals away
He still texted me and invited me over a day later so I guess I'm the lovable kind of psycho
My brother really should've known better than to make me go egg hunting with his daughter when I was entirely too drunk to do so. Threw up in a plant in front of her.
No more bourbon. Sleep now. I may die. Pray for me.
I found a tomato seed inside my jeans. I did not eat tomatoes
Randomize