If I don't wake up snuggled up to 14 ice cream sandwiches, my life is incomplete.
I saved $70 from being to drunk to go out last night so I figured I could buy a new watch.
I think off duty cops drove me home. I may have been hitchhiking
You were hugging the toilet and shouting "don't let fatty eat me" through the closed door.
And when he pulled me off the bathroom floor, he just looked at the cat litter stuck to my chin and said "oh sweetie" and shook his head. I think my dad's officially given up hope.
I would not wish his dick upon my worst enemy
walk of shame this morning involved walking through the in-home daycare that she runs while it was full of kids. judgemental little shits. on a plus, got a juice box and a graham cracker for the walk home.
What should we drink tonight, I'm in the mood to be judged
Your car is in front of my house. Keys are in the mailbox. There is a fire hydrant in your trunk. Happy Birthday
Wake up. We're going shopping for booze and samurai swords.
Matt and I's climactic adventure has ended with Matt being hauled off to jail. And now his brother and I are having lunch and a beer.
Still pimpin that dick in the cornfields. Now it's just transferred to the local bar.
mid-sex she goes "oh my god. you aren't even going to remember my name in the morning, are you?". And i was so wasted that i straight up told her "honestly, I don't even remember your name right now"
Last night we proved the theory that "harder" is the worst rough sex safe-word ever.
Just fucked my ex's brother. It is clear I dated the wrong one. Is it wrong for me to continue to fuck this one?
Randomize
