I woke up on the side of the highway to the ppl in orange jumpsuits cleaning to comunity service. Not sure which freaked them out more... Finding a dead b ody or me not being dead
I learned much from the teen babysitter: I can light a cigarette in a microwave.
My vagina is scared and excited at the same time. It might not be able to sleep tonight.
well let's see. after you forcefully shoved a half-eaten apple in my mouth, you ruined the pepsi by dumping an entire beer in there.
as I was walking out the door her and her roommate started singing "toot it and boot it".. I'm in love
I miss the smell of you or some shit.
I think I might be drunk enough to cut my own hair
I came in your room, you looked at me and said "I fucked up" and then some kid showed up and took you to the hospital
It's like if a cloud had tits and you laid on them.
I really resent how she stayed home and ruined my plans to watch sci-fi and masturbate.
I feel like our relationship should have moved on from you constantly asking if I'm gay
Talking to her is like watching "Bad Life Choices: The Movie"
We fucked, she finished, high fived me, the pulled a celebratory pack of gushers out of her purse for each of us. I'm going to marry your sister dude.
It's only just- an eye for an eye, a tooth for a tooth, a nude for a nude
He had a tattoo of a crown above his penis. He was AMAZING! It was well deserved. LONG LIVE THE KING!
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