last night i was so high that when a homeless person asked me for a dollar, i responded: dolla dolla bill ya'll.
My morning has consisted of lying in a fetal position, eating a whole tub of ben and jerry's, talking to my cat, and setting all of our pictures on fire. Does that answer your question?
my vagina's been through so much this weekend
you mean so much has been through your vagina this weekend?
Just made my alarm the Lion King song. Too excited about waking up to sleep.
i just remembered i chipped my tooth last night when i pulled up your pants zipper with my teeth
Using the salt from a pretzel bag for tequila shots. Come over.
Apparently I've been blackout drunk doing abstract algebra on the floor
I got kicked out of the men's bathroom at the diner last night because i was straddling the sink attempting to pee with pants on. Beat that.
I woke up to my one night stand and he said, "now that's the one to beat"
No one should ever be so high that they forget the food. That's just...its a violation of God and Nature, of the very laws that we live by!
Chasing my kid around a 30' jungle gym was not how I envisioned spending the day off work to recover from a vasectomy.
If you ever tell anyone I offered you boob squeezes for cheetos, I'll kill you
Nothing like a dick pic from your fave ex to make you audibly exhale sadly.
Star Wars means nothing to me. I know only the basics. Darth is Luke's father. R2 is short, C3 is gold. Yoda sings Rainbow Connection. The kinda stuff EVERYONE knows.
Like wanna sit on your face while you speak German hot
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