I definitely just put my boxers on backwards.
haha now u have to piss out ur bum
I need to start cutting my cocaine with Plan B
Living right is spending a lot of time in someone's ass
I Never golf you the sypdu of andrew. The one o will marry. The one j plwgded my last breath up. The one I pledged everything I live forbworh to. I love him more than life itself
It's ok I'm watering my plants with a 40 in my camelback, people are staring
Thank God I didn't lose my virginity to that asshole. That woulda been like winnin a raffle ticket for a free bag of dog shit. But with like a really pretty bag. A pretty bag full of dog shit.
That's not a good night. A good night is waking up with no skirt, no money, and the imprint of the edge of the bar on your forehead.
Did you see the video of me eating a marshmellow on fire?
Got cut off last night cuz this chick had her hands down my shorts and was blatantly playing with my dick while I was trying to order. apparently that's "frowned upon"
Literally just had a girl put her street name into my phone. Yeah.
You also spilled beer on my dog and tried to wipe it off with a paper towel but he kept getting away from you.
Soooo you know how I said I was trying to be a rational adult? Well that led to me fucking a rational adult today.
Quick, I need a picture of your dick. Don't ask questions, just show me your genitals.
I renamed some of my contacts in my phone before passing out and I have one I cant figure out, its "fucking house elf scum"
I don't know where you went, but if you're anywhere near the liquor, pour me another drink
Randomize
