What can i say im a girl who smells like weiners.
Ur just texting me random shit. That's what Twitter is for
She got her phone back last night. And the first thing I sent her was a picture of me pooping in a culvers bathroom
Said he had been eating pineapple for a week before our 1st date. Not sure if thankful for his consideration or offended by his assumption.
all you kept saying from the spare room was "can you bring me a puke bowl...and the cat"
at one point last night, you were literally auctioning me off. "reeeally drunk hot girl ! we'll start the bidding at an ice cold corona. oh, we have a bidder! do i hear a shot of whiskey? going once, going twice.."
youre welcome
Last night the nurse at the ER told me that she wished all her drunk patients were like me. Then she commented on my socks...
She's clinging to me like a horny koala.
I'll always be here to give you immoral support.
You screamed at oncoming traffic , "five dollars to punch this guy in taint!".
Smargarita sloshedurday tomorrow around 2
Bring a helmet for your liver
Coffee's working. Just killed a fly with my bare hands.\nFuck with me.
My "birthday sex" consisted of approximately 25 seconds of him going down on me in the shower.
Actually I really wish that I was drinking so I could ask him for breakup sex and then later blame it on my alcoholic tendencies. Maybe tomorrow instead.
You kept crying and I couldnt help but laugh at you, I was really high though.
Randomize
