Also, the republican called me again last night. He called me dumb and ugly then begged to come over. Gosh... he knows how to make me want him...
You named all of the cocktail shrimps and then tackled a guy for "eating Henry"
I woke up to 30 angry texts and her Chihuahua in my room. Can you drop him off for me?
I just saw a fat chick walking across campus talking to herself and licking her lips. Diet season is scary.
I woke up with a flask of whiskey and a mason jar full of sausage in my tux jacket. south georgia is where i belong
The view from the bathroom floor this morning is fabulous
It involved homemade coconut rum, a waterfall, and street signs. I'll leave the rest to your capable imagination.
I think I left my camera at your house. It would be in both of our best interests if you don't go through the pics.
I swear to God, I just heard my guardian angel tell us to stop. I think we should listen.
I fell asleep while we were Skyping and woke up to his balls bouncing in front of the camera while he sang "Wakey Wakey!" over and over again. Merryfuckingchristmas.
It must have been an amazing night, I have "my pants are responsible people" written on my pants in permanent marker.
I feel strange, like something is off with my body
Yeah that's called sobering up, we've been drunk for the past 4 days
...I can smell the alcohol on your breath through that text
I want him for more than banging and buying me potato salad. Is this what love feels like?
Sad realization: so long as I use this sleep apnea machine, I will never be the little spoon!
Randomize
