Things to remember: Girls don't appreciate it when you yell "Beast Mode!" when switching to doggy style.
I just want to apologize for screaming when I saw you the other day. It's just that you looked really gross and I was high.
I was going to make out with him...then he licked syrup off the kitchen floor.
you put your hands over the taxi driver's eyes and shouted GUESS THE WAY TO THE CLUB
Bon Iver should never be played when you just ate shrooms.
You know I found it really difficult to find a full lenght picture for the egg donor site where I wasn't holding any alcohol...
he signed me a blank check so today i get to decide if i want to be a saint or a millionaire
We were simultaneously boning chicks 3 feet away from each other. Do you realize how much that upped our 15 year friendship?
Hearing them have a conversation is like listening to water buffalo have sex. Awkward and scarring.
I just walked away from a youth soccer tournament popping every birth control pill I had left in the pack.
That's good. Don't want to see you bellydancing in prison for homemade wine.
I just spent the last three days trying to hook up with a dude for his pool privileges
Definitely ended up doing Coke with Chewbacca in the porta potty behind the haunted house.
You'd be proud...I've an early morning wake up booty call...he should be here around 6am ish...I told him to wake me nicely.
Dear Douchebag, I would just like to formally issue this fuck you. You will be receiving a letter in the mail soon. With all of your stuff.
Randomize
