I wish there was a "friends who have gained the most weight since high school" filter on facebook for when I am feeling fat.
I woke up on a futon with 2 stolen budwiesers in my purse, 5 extra bucks, a sucker stuck to my shoe, one sock, and a stolen copy of the zombie survival guide
please tell me this is not legit
So im on with some ukrainian stripper for a vodka tasting tomorrow. If I die tell my family im awesome
Am I undercharging for one hour of sex per essay? I need a serious business answer.
Yeah... I was considering changing that part but the boxed wine is non-negotiable.
don't tell me about being eco-friendly. i just threw up in the same bag i bought my liquor in. RECYCLING
I'm surprised I haven't crapped out a leprechaun, I'm so hungover
WHO INVENTED HANGOVERS WHERE ARE MY CLOTHES
I wore granny panties last night to ensure I didn't sleep with him. He said they made me seem more mature. I need a new plan
He did a line of coke off my stomach then flipped me over and smacked my ass. Then, while he was talking dirty to me, he told me he wanted to hire someone to clean my room. And that's when he lost his boner. Life is so hard.
I was at the pharmacy picking up my herpes medication and the pharmacist asked if I had any questions about my medicine, looked at the bottle, and laughed. Insult to injury man.
I tried to trade my phone for pizza last night. I guess I had priorities last night
Apparently karate chopping the fronts off all the paper towel and soap dispensers in the bathrooms isn't even frowned upon. Like even at the third bar when I fell flat on my back trying to jump kick the last one some guy just helped me up and high fived me. America.
...hi
YOU SHOULD BE ASHAMED OF YOURSELF
Ok cool I was afraid you'd never speak to me again. I can work with this.
A black cat walked my drunken ass home last night and made sure I made it back into the apartment safe. Sat with me for 30 minutes as I struggled to unlock the door. Guardian angel or drunken hallucinations?
Randomize
