Seriously. Destroy her vagina. Do it like an angry baboon mating with a gentle manatee.
Just got a full body massage. It was uncomfortable at first, but then I realized I let strangers turn off the lights and put their hands all over my naked body 3 times a week anyways.
He's a little cute, in a dorky, I-know-for-a-fact-his-cock-is-huge kind of way
Out of desperation, I used the leftover sauce from my goat masala as a mixer for vodka shots.
I'm in Starbucks carrying the boxes wine and the hubcap. So many judging looks.
Saved a life and got us a free vacuum cleaner (and learned vacuum is not spelled "vacumn"). Get on my level.
I just need to stop hanging out with girls who drink wine coolers.
If my mom's not going to offer me drugs then it's really pointless for me to be here.
He gave me the choice between a threeway with his best friend or a tiny turtle. Unfortunately I chose the threeway.
I mean, the night I fell out of that bus I made you pour vodka onto my wound to clean it, then duct taped a paper towel to my hand and kept drinking.
i can trust myself, just not when im drunk. and drinking is my favorite pastime
Successfully defrauded the county government. What have you done today?
There's a stripper getting there at 10 though so hopefully I'm out before the stripper gets there. I don't have time to deal with a stripper.
we tried to make a drinking game out of 4 pokemon cards you found in a drawer.
I think I should write my liver a thank you note. If it had my work ethic, I would be dead now.
Randomize
