Warning...her vagina is big, like sleeping bag big.
since when did accompanying a guy to a wedding mean that anal was required that night?
He's at the gym. He likes to get high and swim cause it makes him feel like a fish.
I was doing the dishes wondering what was with all the tiny little cups, but then I remembered that some people drink things other than huge mixed drinks and big cups of water the next day.
apparently breaking a beer bottle and then throwing up in a urinal is a terrible way to pick up girls.
I guess since this is supposed to be my year of the lesbian it's okay
You had me sold at "fucking you down the slide"
The cabbie told me fat girls shouldn't wear tight clothes, and that he feels bad for the guys that have to be underneath them, especially because their positions are "very limited" and proceeded to ask me if I had a trash can and if I could throw something away for him. Don't worry though, he promised it wasn't anything "bad". He then handed me a tied up grocery bag with a bunch of wadded up Kleenex that weighed about 3 pounds. To answer your question, yes I made it home. Fml
I'm sun burnt so instead of getting drunk and trying to sleep with you, how about we get naked and you scratch my body and rub lotion on me while I rub one out?
Most of my life can be described like an HBO prison drama.
i swear every fucking time i plan a party, one of our "friends" holds their shit in all week just to punch one off into the master bathroom after i pass out. it's almost like that dump you would see in a port a potty.
Are you playing pokemon in the dark and sexting? I can't be mad at that.
Slammed 3 beers and just bowled a 129\nI guess alcohol IS the answer
At one point in the night, as we were running from the cops, I clearly remember you yelling "little gnomes are tickling the insides of my body!" ...that high.
If it makes you feel any better I almost got kicked out of the bar for yelling "enjoy your celebratory incest"
I love you.
Randomize
