"Ever since I killed her kid she be actin' shady." Actual quote overheard at Marine World just now. Oh God.
Is showing up wearing the condom a bit presumptus
I just found 22 drunken videos and 4 naked pictures on my phone. We'll start the bidding at $5
the only muscles i have these days is kegels
She threw her promise ring on the ground, that's when the freak came out.
All I remember is yelling RUN as fireworks started going off in the kitchen. Who said that was a bad idea?
Drunk roommate walked in on us and asked if we wanted to go eat a sandwich with her in the bathroom.
YOU SUCK AT REPLYING IM IRRESPOSNIBLY DRUNK WHAT THE FUCK ARE YOU DOING WITH YOU LIFE. celebrate the magicness with me.
When the nurse referred to my vag as "your downstairs", I knew I found the perfect Doctors office.
What am I doing with my life
Sleeping with dudes who have peacocks apparently.
Your next boyfriend should be from MENSA...you're so smart, it's intimidating as fuck. My penis retracted in fear.
Does puke ruin car paint? Good thing it's raining.
The only people allowed to make me cry are myself and Chris Hemsworth as Thor. And me.
I'm just too horny to handle empty house
breakfast this morning: omelette, Valium and baileys hot chocolate
Now that sounds like the breakfast of champions
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