Do you like marathons because that's how long I plan on fucking you.
i finished masturbating and realized my blackberry had accidentaly called my grandmother in my pocket during it. awkward...
i woke up to my roommate spraying cooking spray on my legs. fourth time this has happened. not cool.
I already brushed my teeth, and it's not even noon yet. Today's going to be a productive day.
Let's play a little game of "Last Night Never Happened"
We had on the same team jersey so at the time it made sense to hook up.
Duh.
I can't. I will literally throw up my liver
Why dont you be an ebola patient for halloween? You can totally throw up and itll be part of your costume.
Pretty sure I asked the person at the pharmacy counter in Walgreens to marry me last night. But also remember Rachel Maddow crawling through the TV screen, so my memory might be a bit compromised...
It's always nice when a total stranger hates your ex just as much as you think they should.
Anddon't worry about me I have my Darth Vader flashlight
What do you expect from her? Do you remember that creepy man she dated who saturated a pillowcase in his musky cologne and mailed it to her and she still slept with him.
he fucked me while wearing his "Reagan Bush '84" tank and my inner democrat has never been more disappointed
Just because I stayed up all night betting on Australian Horse Racing doesn't mean I have a gambling program.
You were in no condition to manage a 3-way.
Step 1 was make out with him. so now we just need to come up with step 2.
Randomize
