Then I opened the closet and then i found the babies
i'm at a party where swedish girls are dumping laundry detergent on each other because it glows in blacklight. this is awesome
what made it akward was his girlfriends dog watching us have sex
there's chicken and sequins in our bathroom sink. part of me almost wants to know what happened
My third nipple is alarmingly under-appreciated.
mid-sex i was thinking.. these are not the right balls slapping me
They had an entire room dedicated to passed out people. It was like a dogpile of cross faded toddlers drooling on each other.
the arrest was probably divine intervention, cause i think we were heading to an ill-advised threesome.
How in the hell did I take a shot of whiskey to the eyeball last night?
Besides. I don't even really like sex because it feels great. I like it because for thirty minutes I own that guys ass.
Just convinced a housekeeper at work to set up her 401k. Gotta start hittin the gb every morning before work. Happy 420
There is a guy down by the river wearing a zebra print speedo and a sombrero, with a beer in each hand, screaming "This is America bitches!"
you ass-dialed me while you were fucking my ex.
that was on purpose.
I don’t know if I’m nauseous or just disgusted with myself.
Puked up breakfast after doing my first minze shot in a while, but that shot was to Trump losing the election, so it's all good.
Randomize
