I'm drunk. And at a vegan cafe. You would hate it. Don't tell my hipster friend but I kinda hate it too.
I feel like my nuva ring should have a vibrating switch.
if i see another status about New Moon, i'm gonna punch a baby
The last thing I want is a chocolate mold of my cock competing with my real cock for time spent in your mouth
Is it weird to say that getting an std with you was kinda romantic?
There is a really great story behind the missing Coco Puffs and vodka mystery
I'm assuming the reason my elbow is so sore has something to do with all the broken shot glasses eh?
Yep
I just got invited to party with a bunch of elderly lesbians I am in no position to offer life advice
Three Asian guys got on the elevator with a handle of Hennessey and a sleeping bag. This is not the start of a joke.
Yeah I don't think your wife thinks it's a good thing that you're fucking your cousin.
why is there glitter IN my vagina????
Drunk is a universal language darling
she passed out standing next to the car. her head hit the door so hard the alarm went off. she instantly snapped out of it and started sprinting away
Our baby is creepy.
That's how we know it's ours. haha
Rationing the toilet paper. Only one wipe allowed. I'm scared to move too much.
Randomize
