I'm at the laundry mat. This guy is here showing me his ankle monitor. The weird ones always find me.
She was wasted. Kept yelling "what if I'm pregnant" and trying to push me into the tree. First and last time I bring a girl to my family christmas party.
Definately going to wake up wondering what happened to the other half of my lip.
We need to buy some popsicles so we can remind ourselves we're good at this.
My google searches from last night: tetanus shot rabbit bite, Bacardi gluten free
I feel the need to send all my exes pictures of penises larger than theirs. Because they all must suffer.
dude to be honest with you there is a used condom that ive just left on my floor for three days
you have got to get your shit together
Guess who is playing his new drum set when his roommate gets home to teach her a lesson about binge drinking to the point of being taken to the emergency room?
Life isn't about who you kiss, drunk, at midnight. It's who you text nonsense to, sober, from the toilet.
Like real life can suck my metaphorical dick right now.
I didn't even have pants on and you think I had an agenda
Apparently drunk me thought it was a good idea to buy $100 worth of band aids and stick them all over everything in the apartment.
pesky things like morals, self-preservation and cowardice are not needed. overkill is nothing but a word. there will be blood.
i feel like a cleansing fire is the only way to purify the house
my mom is drunk and is trying to get me to take a picture of her ass. what is life?
Randomize
