i tried to light my apt on fire. reasons why drunks and women should not cook
other girls like to lick balls but none of them live for it like u do
His dick looked like E.T.'s finger. It scared me.
it took me 20 minutes to get her upstairs... she crawled under a car and wouldn't come out.
Apparently my type is "guy whose parents had unprotected sex on Halloween". Last week was my ex's, my FWB's, and the guy I'm seeing's birthdays.
Please high five our old drug dealer for me please.
You know you're at a low point when you're sucking vodka out if your hair.
It's Saturday night and I'm sitting on my couch by myself, watching Glee, and drinking gin and tonics. If you listen very closely, you can hear the wails of my mother giving up hope that I will ever give her a son-in-law.
It's amazing
I want to run hundreds of miles and do a whole semesters worth of homework while flying on a unicorn and throwing endless glitter bombs
I have no idea what those words in that order meant, but if you go to Florida send me pics of strippers
He watches the nature channel every time I am here. It's like a manipulation technique because baby zebras will get me every time.
Can you tell dad to stop liking and sharing porn on FB again?
Ran up to the dollar store to get batteries for my vibrator. Happy Valentines Day!
My mom found your leather pants in our guest room. She doesn't want to know why they are there, she just wants to know if you want them washed.
So I got offered a job this morning based on being a "good role model for girls" and I am drunk at 330 in the afternoon in "celebration." sometimes, life is insane. But not so bad.
Randomize
