i just found a cheeto on my floor and ate it. i might still be drunk.
How sober do you have to be to donate blood?
There are too many people on this bus for it to be even REMOTELY okay that I'm wearing a puke covered sweater
His new job just became new places to have sex at.
If you get me so fucked up I can't use the microwave , I'm going to be so mad at you
by "whatever happens, happens" i meant "we are totally hooking up again on tuesday." i thought that was obvious.
Nothing quite like pre-gaming the Kentucky Derby with adderall and adderall. I'm fairly confident I could outrun all of these fucking horses in a foot race right now.
Last I remember we played rock paper scissors for who would fuck the guy with cowboy boots on and I won..
Ugh. Lets go crawl into a dairy-gluten-chlamydia free hole somewheres.
How does she have a hairless cat and a husband it's not fair. Both are hard to come by
Let's just says his mouth writes a lot of checks that his penis just can't cash. Don't waste your time.
Flatmate got laid for the first time in 3 years. I'm baking a cake.
He said his parents were apparently coming over to surprise him with breakfast and I’ve never gotten dressed and run out of the door that quickly. I have commitment issues.
I am coming home with the worst sun burn of my life, two unused condoms, and an unworn slutty dress. Worst. Bachelorette. Party. Ever.
He’s over 6 feet has amazing posture and went to Harvard and has an awesome job and a great dick and loves Jesus and is an organ donor
Is this the guy you have listed as free food in your phone
Noooo he’s listed as free food #5
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