I woke up and my panties were thumbtacked to his wall. Out of my reach.
We just spray painted his balls while he is passed out....I cant wait to see him try to figure this out in the morning.
oh great, iTunes now thinks im gay.
He appeared on my 7th floor fire escape and sang to me and jimmy through the window when we fucked. He's like a drunken mix of Sinatra and Spiderman.
I just realized I'm trading you a pregnancy test for the morning after pill...
It's been a bad semester.
I don't want to tell anyone! People who sleep with senators either end up in porn or guantanamo
if i ever wake up in the morning and don't feel a boner in my asscrack then this relationship is over
I got a blow torch for Christmas. You are now permitted to be afraid.
okay, but you can't tell anyone. Every time he instagrams something with the caption "avocado," it means he's booty calling me. Happy?
He didn't get how "starting a flash flood in my thunderhole" was a sexy euphemism. Deal breaker.
I'm drunk still and I cried and now I'm watching Whitney Houston singing the national anthem and I'm crying more
Someone needs to lock me in a chastity belt because all my vagina does is get me into trouble. Fuck.
A+ Viking dick
He serenaded me say anything-style with Weird Al songs and then blew me on the beach. I'd say he's a keeper.
There was already gay porn open on my laptop with a tiny carrot cake, a bottle of water, and a note saying "I love you, Sober Me."
Drunk me just hits it and quits it.
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