I figured girls wouldn't be down to sleep w/ a guy who plugged a pregnant chick
Old men and throwing up are my life now.
I hope the kids appreciate the fact that I jizzed on her instead of on their slide.
Same, I didn't even get to be tarzan this summer
I'm watching the red sox through my neighbors window from my bathroom. We're winning btw.
woke up this morning with a fat chick but she went downstairs and made pancakes without saying a word.
Things you are not allowed to do while im gone: sell cats on ebay, put cats in freezer again, shave cats like lions, dye cats pink/blue, try to light cats on fire to"wake them up from their nap" agian
You kept trying to hail an ambulance
You yelled "GET TO DA CHOPPA" and burst through her screen door and disappeared into the night. With the goose.
I have a meeting at work in an hour, I'm so hungover going outside is NOT happening there are roads and shit I'll totally get myself killed.
Found out it was only pneumonia. We celebrated hydrocodone cough syrup. Two long island ice teas at lunch and the random white powder we found in her purse. Mother of the year award.
And my nipple is sore from him biting it. That is not a complaint.
College has done two things for me. Given me the confidence to blow my nose in public and shit in public
I'm keeping him.
Sex was good?
I had to tap out three times. There aren't words for how much better than "good" that is.
Dear god my vagina.
Randomize
