my new years resolutions dont apply when im drunk
I'm pretty sure whiskey overrules bulimia in the eyes of Texas boys
Would it be safe to assume you're the one that left my front door wide open and left yourself a trail of jaeger drops to find your way back?
Apparently you need a permit for a flamethrower.
She's doing hand stands on the train as I type. Idk if I'm impressed it embarrassed. Or turned on.
Yea I saw a friend of yours carrying your limp body somewhere
Jesus, I think this onesie was designed to keep me from masturbating.
You declared your undying love to a drag queen, then proceeded to puke into the poor man's purse.
As he was cumming he yelled "Yahtzee" then said im free to go. Thats my one night stand
Why is there a traffic cone in the shower? And did you wash it with my body wash? It smells nice.
I'm just gonna put on a documentary and throw up
Don't you hate falling asleep on the couch with a glass of wine in your hand? It's like dreaming about peeing and then realizing you've peed the bed only stickier.
And now I'm taking a break sitting on the bathroom floor thanking god that people who eat at subway are either too classy to piss on the floor, or are still relatively sober enough to not piss on the floor before 5pm.
Dude, Kevin called the cops on the cops.
It was like he was 23 all over again. Madness. I. was. so. scared.
Randomize
