Im listening to a jazz version of dick in a box.
you better believe me or I'll punch you in the face
you used progresso chicken soup as a mixer last night
Just farted cum and thought I shit myself. Crisis averted tho
the cool security guard showed me the video clip of how i sat criss-cross-applesauce on the elevator for 20 minutes last night
You know you stopped at a liquor store to prepare for a 12-year-old's birthday party, right?
he actually managed to pick a girl up by telling her that her skirt was ugly and she didnt do a good job with her makeup. thats some seriously low selfesteem
He was like an artic tracker. Walked ten paces from the tree, then 15 paces from the mailbox, dug down in the snow, and pulled up the case of beer he hid from his parents out there. It tasted like ice cold success.
You know, having a conversation evolve from attractive men to roommate orgies would be weird with anyone else, but you get me.
"Functional." Your standards for how you feel after drinking are so high.
When your night starts by chugging margarita and drinking vodka out of tupperware, I feel it's best to stay realistic.
He called me piss drunk at 7:30pm while cooking bacon and said he was going to bed. I don't think he's taking it well.
Because sadly the idea of me having a girlfriend is crazy enough to be an April fools prank
He broke into my house because he missed me. Then ends the relationship because I'm the needy one. Ironic much?
My mum just told me to stop being so pathetic and just find someone to have sex with, even if I don't like them, just be grateful for the sex. Wow.
The room got awkwardly silent right as i yelled "leave him alone! I know plenty of straight guys who like to suck dick!"
Randomize
