The spoon I was using to ice my hickey just fell out of my purse while i was paying at the liquor store. I look like an alcoholic with a meth problem.
The jonas brothers playing in your laptop. This is why guys won't sleep with you...
I just spent the last hour reading customer reviews on amazon.com for the book "it hurts when I poop." Send help.
i'm surrounded by gay midgets. not sure if i'm bragging or asking you to come rescue me. wait for follow up.
i suspect the closest i'll get to a valentine this year is a 16 year old on chat roulette asking me to show my tits. step up from last year, i guess.
after we had sex he told me his original plan was to have sex with my roommate but his buddy likes her so i was backup
she called for a booty call so i sent mike as my stunt double
This creepy guy was following me and i hid in the bushes. i could say i was high as an excuse but honestly it was straight up fun.
I'm being responsible and going as a gay, slutty Mormon missionary. It's responsible because I'll have a bike helmet on for when I fall over because I'm too shitfaced to stand upright. It's safer than Count Fagula. I just need to come up with a line equal or greater than "Blaaaa I want to suck your dick"
Yeah. I've decided no relationship can survive me shoving my boobs in the guys face
Im sitting in church with a backpack full of beer bottles. This is friendship.
Nothing says thanksgiving like acid flashbacks
He held the beaver pelt from the fireplace over my crotch and asked his friend "she look familiar now?", he then remembered my name.
I'm a male taking pregnancy tests with every girl at the party. i have no regrets
He fingered me in a Waffle House bathroom and then stole a traffic cone. Is this love that I'm feeling?
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