Laughlin, where retired strippers come to die.
yeah, and then after the convo was clearly over, my dad decides to scream "SIZE MATTERS" just to make things even more uncomfortable.
I just can't bring boyfriends home.
My mom seriously just told me my insurance company pays for rehab. In an email. I expect a real, not just us joking, intervention coming on. I'm not accepting a "lunch date" with that bitch.
I opened my door to go to class and all there was was a raccoon puking on the doorstep. In hindsight, it was a very accurate omen.
I woke up spooning my guard tube. Tell me I'm not the most dedicated lifeguard ever
Tell your friends I said hi and that if they touch your penis I'll cut off their hands.
you took the tequila shot and then procceded to eat the lime..we told you to spit it out but you just straight face kept chomping
I'd recommend you leave that level of crazy to the experts. I'd start with an under appreciated soccer mom if I were you.
Totally just drove past you riding your bike. I was like damn, that looks like a cute little hipster boy, and then I realized it was you and that I'd already banged you and it kinda made my day. I hope you're well. Come over soon?
Remind me never to smoke before babysitting again. Ate an entire bottle of children's gummy vitamins.... not an easy thing to explain to parents.
So it's official the pockets of my work apron exist solely for the purpose of secretly flipping off asshole customers and not losing my job.
i almost threw up on his dick. its like icarus, flew too close to the sun. except the sun is his dick and my throat was icarus
Hey, you know that marble art statue thing in your bedroom? Hypothetically what would happen if a penis got stuck in it?
I just found an old slice of LIME in my wallet?????????
I'd invite you over to drink but then I wouldn't be drinking by myself.
Randomize
