Just dunked an oreo in a white russian. Trying to think of a better experience in my life and failing.
Just saw a denim jacket with the phrase christian cowboy...ridin with the lord under a picture of a cowboy in a sunset. I'm def in mississippi.
I took my vicodin with tequila. I can FEEL gravity...
the recent google searches were "were can i buy a porn horse, why does my heart hurt after drinking, and orlando's teen night..." your thought process perplexes me
I'm sober. Being kissed by a chick with a llama puppet. Shoot me now.
Your lack of enthusiasm for my exciting news of drunken debauchery with an otherwise occupied vagina of one of my greatest conquests yet disturbs me. I'm not happy with you
Halfway through the blowjob she stopped and said 'Wait I know this dick'.
Couldn't find my swimsuit top anywhere this morning but finally found it in the skimmer of the pool so thats how my night apparently went
So he got the TA job but i told him its not official until we have a quickie on his desk. He offered to break into his office. He doesnt start until this fall.
Going to put that on my resume. "Only accidentally snapchatted my titties to all of my friends once."
Just give me 5 advils and some sunglasses and I'll knock out on this couch no problem.
I asked my boyfriend if he wanted a bong for his birthday but he instead asked for corndogs
the cheaper the better
You're never gonna guess who's blood is on my shirt
Why do I feel like I really don't want to hear the end of this...
I'm not strong. I'm hormonal, sad, lonely, and trying to get laid via tinder
I'm going to target high, just in case I ask you where my paycheck went later
Randomize
