Bein cut off at a bar is embarassing ...until you get to the next bar.
i just defriended some girl because according to her status she "doesn't give a fuck about shark week."
He told me to pick a safe word. I said 'cactus' and he said I wasn't taking this seriously and that I wasn't cut out for s&m.
Recent Google searches: "babu kangarooz"... "why 2 tacos bell" and "is dinosaur in real life"
I always give him head in random places, it's a guessing game for his cock.
I love being Chipotle's first beer sale of the morning.
If I ever die and svu has to come to my murder scene make sure they know I don't wear underwear always so it might not be as bad as they think
she never specifically said NOT to fuck her boyfriend so technically we can still be best friends
Just warning you the last time I had captain Morgan I gave a blow job to a guy that looked like Jesus.
Don't use or open the microwave. It's full of smoke. Buying a new one tomorrow, will explain.
I stirred my drink with a butcher knife. His roomate keeps giving me dirty looks
Like what do you want from me
My cat is staring at me while I drink my wine on the bathroom floor in the morning instead of attending class. Sorry mom and dad. Sorry cat.
I can't tell if this is a hangover or just a perfect combination of shame and regret
Like why am I even still facebook friends with a guy I let finger me at a concert?
I stole a block of cheese from the party last night and put it in my purse but I got so drunk that I left my purse on the floor and my dog ate it.
Randomize
