I thought she had blonde hair
No, Gonorrhea actually
He said we were driving the golf cart through the woods screaming 'iceroad truckers' for four hours in the dark
New swimming pool is best sex toy ever. We are pioneering the doggie-style paddle.
Law school is ruining my masturbation schedule.
Dude it was a mini horse. It obviously only eats mini things.
Your wedding's just one more day in my life I can't wear sweat pants.
Ok but if you die you have to get "I should've listened to Mike" carved into your tombstone
He got violent drunk so we have to untie him in the morning. He's in your basement and you're out of electrical tape. Don't forget because I will.
It's like you're a magic genie of bad timing
Know what I do when I'm in that mood? Whenever anyone talks to me I just hiss like a cat. They go away.
Just woke up in a Price Chopper bathroom stall with a half eaten cake on the floor. Had to get a ride from the waitress I made out with. What happened to "Don't let me drink Tequila?"
I lied.
I ACCIDENTALLY SUPER LIKED HIM. I JUST DELETED TINDER FROM MY PHONE.
I'd like to thank Vicodin for getting me through family thanksgiving once again.
duddde i wasn't even home last night and someone elses clothes are on my floor and there glow sticks everywhere?!
Help. Why am I so naked?
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