Is it wrong of me that I wish I could be a midget for a day so I can give head standing up?
he wont speak to me right now because i told him it must suck knowing he'll never be as good as edward cullen..idiot.
It can't be good... The last recollection I have is singing lullabys to his penis
we are out of drugs. and patience. please bring former.
You crawled everywhere and rolled in ice cream. No more vodka for a month.
we found you in the kitchen at five am trying to make a vodka omelette. you said you didn't want to live in a world where your two favourite things couldn't be together.
candyland with pharmaceuticals ... what could go wrong
Yeah, but I think it would be a little awkward to explain to Mom that the girl I brought for lunch is not my girlfriend but just a fuck buddy who I met after she hit and totaled my car last month.
Let's play "Guess What I Just Found In My Vagina?"
I think I'm just going to get a farm, a vibrater, and a lot of wine.
i walked into her house and she introduced me to her family. i dont think she understands the term booty call
i'm pretty sure my brother is still drunk from last night. he's telling my parents that humans are at the top of the food chain for a reason and listing off all the exotic animals he would eat
i keep smelling vagina and donuts, which pretty much sumarises this morning. happy birthday.
We went to the midnight donut shop and you hopped the counter and told everyone to "Get the Fuck out of your Bar" but to also "Make yourselves at home".
I just racked up a fucking ginormous hospital bill because I came so hard I had an asthma attack
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