I just realized I had sex more when i looked like a fat elton john. Fuck my life.
That was an excessively violent trivia night
I tried to sit on a barstool last night...it was an open trashcan.
I asked this couple what they would like to drink and they leaned toward me eagerly and asked if we still have THE root beer ... Idk if this is code for please add cocaine to my drink
Dude. Cvs sells sex toys. And my discount works on them. Game on.
so you ordered business cards online last night with a picture of your dick on them. you need to hide that new credit card when you drink
It's gotten to a point that when guys say "I'm gonna cum" I've developed a habit of responding "dooo itttt" in a deep voice. #isthatweird
His whole street is under construction. Third walk of shame this week & I'm getting a lot of sympathetic nods from the workers.
Nothing kills the mood quicker than kneeing him in the face during sex
Are you trying to say I've made an emotionally well rounded transformation similar to the Grinch?
He literally lured me in the house with his cat then we ended up fucking on the living room couch while the cat just sat there and watched
Many a woman has been in tears over the passing of my penis' whorish ways.
You're emotionally mature, right? I said you were.
I have at least four things in my line of sight that have Kermit the Frog on them in my dorm. Does that answer your question?
a day off where I don’t get laid would be worthless
Well, he was practically tripping over his dick to get to me so I'd say my new dress was successful
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